Larger Webs

"It was as if everybody who wanted to get off, got off."—Survivor of Cincinnati plane crash on mood inside the plane as it filled with smoke.

It is when we start to look at larger webs of connections that Reflection really begins to assault common sense. Reflection implies that events involving large numbers of people, such as a plane crash, are perfect reflections of the inner selves of all involved. It implies that all is a reflection of each one of us, and that each one of us is a reflection of all. While very difficult to accept, this is exactly the world view of many Eastern mystics and some Western philosophers as well.

But knowing others have thought this is not a compelling argument for its truth. The only way to really understand it is to open your mind to the possibility and see if it works in the situations you know.

For these large webs, Reflection does not imply everyone's needs are the same, or as intense. Each person experiences a shared reality uniquely. For example, in a plane crash some people survive. Their reality is clearly different from those who die. One can assume their inner needs are different as well, as are the inner needs of those close to them, but for each person involved it makes sense to ask what inner needs the larger events in their life fulfill.

It is this implication of interconnections between us in large webs that make Reflection hard to accept, yet I find the idea so compelling on an individual and pair basis that I find it hard to believe that the 100-100 reflections of two people do not become 100-100-100-100-100... reflections for situations involving many people. While it is easy to dig for the reflections in the smaller connections, it is more difficult to find them in larger numbers of people who are not emotionally close. There are, however, enough tantalizing hints of full universal Reflection to make some interesting stories, and the next to last chapter of this book explores even larger global webs of connections.

Whether or not we know other's inner selves, we can still always look at the reality of our lives that relates to the rest of the world and see how it reflects our inner self. For example, the growth of computer programming as a career fit perfectly my skills and needs as I entered the job market; the collapse of the Mexican economy reflected my need to fail in sales; and the San Francisco earthquake saved me from teaching a seminar series I needed to avoid.

The state of health of one individual is a reflection of the inner needs of all of those around. We have already seen how my father's first heart attack met both his and my mother's needs. It was also a major point in my own life. I was just coming of age as a young man, and suddenly I was shown the vulnerability of my father and the responsibilities I would have towards my family. For me it was almost like a ceremony of becoming an adult. It came at a time in my life when I needed that type of message.

My father's heart attack also fit the needs of his company. At the time the company was moving its offices from New York City to New Jersey. My father, who commuted from Long Island (opposite New York from New Jersey) would have to relocate for his last years of work. The company had the problem of relocating a senior executive who would retire in a few years anyway. The heart attack triggering early retirement resolved the relocation problem for the company.

In this case my father's heart attack met his need to slow down, my mother's need to retire in the sun and fun, my need to understand the changing family dynamics, and my father's company's need to deal with an aging executive and relocation.

Looking at my own divorce, I can see how it reflects the needs of others involved as well. It stems from mine and my ex-wife's turmoil, but also fills a need for those that touched us as well.

Mary views much of her childhood as a battle with a powerful mother. That same movie is played out with my ex-wife and myself. Mary has a need to fight with my ex-wife that relates to her issues, and through me she gets that opportunity.

Children in divorce are always hard to understand, but my daughter kept destroying her counselor's model of the world by saying she was glad her father left because now she gets more time with him. This is a direct expression of one of her needs that were met by the separation. She got to see her father outside of the tense atmosphere of the house.

The affects of the marriage on friends also fit needs. At least two married couples that were friends found the break-up of my marriage very threatening. Clearly it was playing out hidden movies of their own marriage that they were avoiding dealing with. Being close to our break-up put their own doubts and issues on the table before them.

My divorce went to court, unlike most divorces. The long battle with my ex-wife clearly filled my needs but it was also perfect for J, the new (and least expensive) person in the law firm I went to. It was her first opportunity to actually go to court and argue a case before a judge. Our inability to settle fit her needs perfectly.

The long drawn out divorce then was a perfect reflection of my inner needs and presumably my ex-wife's as well, and just as perfect a reflection of inner needs of all of those around us. The degree changes from person to person and the type of needs are different, but we are all interconnected. The divorce fight was not a random occurrence in any of our lives.

Sid coaches women's volleyball and is filled with stories of the interrelationship of needs on the team. After many years of successful coaching he was removed from his position as a result of pressure from a number of his weaker players. This was another story of a great seeming injustice that in fact reflected Sid's need to move on to new opportunities. One of his favorite stories of interconnection happened to the team after he had left.

One girl, A, had always stuck by Sid. She was a loyal and responsible athlete. Her maturity and leadership made her an asset on the team, and as such she got a lot of playing time, but she was not as athletically talented as the other girls. As Sid taught the others maturity and discipline, A's playing time decreased, but she still played on a regular basis.

The other characters in the drama were the girls who were not first string. They all played regularly, but wanted to play more. They were the ones who joined the conspiracy that undermined Sid's coaching career, yet you can imagine they had a fair amount of repressed guilt for what they had done.

After getting rid of Sid, their reality was a new coach, with a new attitude. He only played the best and the second string wound up with even less playing time. The complainers who got rid of Sid, now didn't get any time at all—yet they still argued that they were good players.

The team played a series of games with a local team that was nowhere near their standard of play. The first string won 15-1 and 15-0 in the first two games and, since it was a non-league game, the coach decided to play the entire bench for the remaining games. The bench, which claimed to be so good, got beaten by this very weak team. They were humiliated on the volleyball court, maybe reflecting their inner conflicts.

But what about the responsible A, who did not have false pretenses about her playing ability, and who was not part of the scandal? She too was on the bench, yet she was a loyal and responsible athlete. Why did she need this humiliation as well? It turns out she didn't—responsible A, for the first time in her twelve-year athletic career, forgot her uniform and was not able to play. Only the girls who claimed they deserved more playing time wound up on the court.

This of course all fit Sid's needs to see his enemies beaten but not his friends. The pieces just arranged themselves. They all fit together in terrible, beautiful symmetry.

A fifth grade teacher, H, is proud of the way she teaches. She is tough, not at all mushy, with her kids and commands their respect. By the end of the year, they are working hard for her. She is proud of how she can establish rapport with even the toughest kids in her class.

Her style is different from the teacher in the next classroom. That teacher lavishes praise on the kids with individual comments such as "You look wonderful today." The kids light up with this directed attention and praise, and H sometimes wonders if the other teacher's approach might not be better than her tougher approach.

Yet H has noticed that the other teacher's kids are generally emotionally weaker than her kids, and that they need constant attention. She has often looked at the kids in the other teacher's class and been glad she didn't have them. The other teacher has looked at some of the tough kids in H's class and been glad she didn't have them. It is no coincidence. Each teacher is unique and the interrelated realities of the teacher and class map each other's needs precisely.

Just as the kids need the teachers they get, so too the teachers need the kids they get. H is teaching her kids to be strong because she wants to be strong. She needs to teach that lesson to others to learn it herself. Her kids reaffirm the lessons she needs to learn herself. She needs the kids as much as they need her.

Likewise, we can only assume the other teacher needs to play a more nurturing role with her kids and that they need it that way as well.

The example which has always fascinated me is plane crashes. All aboard a plane that goes down have, in a sense, agreed it is time to crash. Those that survive needed a near-death experience. Stories abound of people who should have been on a plane that crashed but for some bizarre reason were not at the last minute. Similarly, there are people on the plane who had not originally planned to be.

Some direct evidence of this phenomena comes from an incident in Cincinnati a few years ago. Shortly after takeoff, a plane developed problems. It returned to the airport and burst into flames on landing. The plane was filled with smoke. All but 17 of the passengers escaped from the plane. Those 17 died of smoke inhalation.

The comment of one of the survivors gave an indication of Reflection. He said it was very strange on the plane as they were escaping. It was as if, he said, everybody who wanted to get off, got off.

I have had a more direct experience with plane problems myself. I was out of harmony with the work I was doing and had signed up to teach a series of seminars that would require lots of travel. The seminars would be lucrative for me, and easy, but they were not what I wanted to be doing—yet I couldn't let go of the money and the opportunity.

I had constant visions of plane crashes, I thought I was going to die flying to one of my seminars. I have flown a lot in my life, but for the first time I was really scared of flying.

My own fears were expressed in the reality of being close to someone who was involved in not one but three near airplane disasters over a short period of time. It seemed he was losing control of his life and you could see the resulting tension and frustration in him. The near airplane disasters seemed a clear message expressing that frustration. It was as if he was flirting with death, the easy way out when you've lost control of your life.

The second of his incidents was a particularly scary missed landing in San Francisco. A month after that he went through a similar experience in Boston. After the Boston plane was safely down, he was telling a stewardess about his experience in San Francisco. It turns out she was on that same flight as well. After Boston, she decided to quit her job as a stewardess.

So there were at least two people on those planes whose inner-selves needed the reality of near plane disasters. A stewardess wanting to leave the profession, and my friend out of control with his life. Two people who both needed the message of near plane disasters. It is no coincidence that both were on both planes. It is no coincidence that I was this close to these stories based on my own fear.

Copyright ©1992 Dennis Merritt. All Rights Reserved.